For most of American history, when a loved one died, family members cared for the body of the deceased at home before burial. It wasn’t until the Civil War that people started embalming soldiers’ bodies for the long train trips home. Soon after, funeral homes started offering embalming services, and an industry was born. Now, there’s a movement to bring after-death care back home.
The motivations driving such interest are varied. Some people find it more personal, more meaningful. Others want to avoid toxic embalming chemicals and reduce the environmental footprint of burial.
“Some people are just do-it-yourselfers,” said Heather Massey of In Loving Hands home funeral consultancy.
For Joyce Maxner, a 71-year old resident of West Tisbury, it’s all of the above. A few years ago, she heard a story on the radio about a man who was buried in a pine box on his own property in Vermont. Then, she cared for her mother-in-law at the time of her death.
“My husband’s mom lived with us for about nine months and died in our home. And that was such an incredible experience for me,” said Maxner. “[My daughter] and her son were here, who was three at the time. And she was cooking dinner and she said, ‘This is the way it’s supposed to be. Someone is dying in the other room and life is going on here.’”
Maxner washed and dressed her mother-in-law’s body with the help of hospice nurses. She said it was a privilege, and she would like her own children to prepare her body after she dies.
Occasionally, family members balk at such requests. Massey says it’s usually because they don’t know what to expect.
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Maxner says she would like to be buried in a shroud, without any embalming or casket.
“I want hands-on,” she said. “I want to go back to the earth and feed the worms and get something growing over me. I don’t a box that holds my body forever. And all that stuff they put in the earth, it’s just, what a waste. So, yeah, simple.”
Of course, not everyone wants the same kind of burial. When Joanie Ames' mother died of Alzheimer's disease in 1990, she cleaned her body and anointed it with oil with the help of her sister.
“I remember thinking about all the things those hands had done and all the miles those feet had walked,” said Ames.
Then, they drove her to a crematory and watched the puff of smoke rise into the air.
“I thought about how she was making the sunset even more beautiful,” Ames said.
For those interested in a ‘green’ burial, there are urns that grow into trees or even a coral reef. Or you can donate your body to science.
Massey says it’s important to know that opting to take on some aspects of after-death care doesn’t mean you’re on your own. You can do it all yourself, or you could hire a funeral director to take care of transportation or legal paperwork (Note: there are ten states where a funeral director is required to file a death certificate).
For many, regardless of the choices they end up making about after-death care, just talking about death - their beliefs, values, and wishes - has an unexpected benefit: they become more actively engaged with their life.