It’s almost Thanksgiving, which means it’s time to trot out some of my usual turkey-related puns, or drum-shtick, if you will. I was originally going to do something about backyard birds, but decided to switch topics spur of the moment and wing it a bit at the deadline. But it’s ok, because when it comes to turkey wordplay, I really like to strut my stuff. It’s not just about the bad puns — turkeys are actually pretty interesting if you can get past their irritating ground-scratching, walkway-pooping ways. Plus how they stop traffic all the time — they should call it “turkey walking” when you cross a road illegally, I’ve never seen a jay violate any traffic laws.
By way of their aforementioned interestingness, I am ornithologically obligated to point out that turkeys have lots of interesting anatomical features with comical names such that I have to assume the scientists who made them up were drunk. For example, there’s the “snood”, which is the fleshy, technically erectile tissue that dangles from the bill of males. Just try to forget that fun fact on Thursday.
Turkeys also have a role to play in the emergence of that pest du jour, the Lone Star Tick, and the weird red-meat allergy they transmit, alpha-gal syndrome. You could say that when it comes to alpha-gal, turkeys giveth, and turkeys taketh away. For one thing, studies have shown that turkeys are a favorite host of the Lone Stars, and the tick populations are higher where there are lots of turkeys – in parts of the south they call Lone Star ticks “turkey ticks”. But turkeys giveth in that those with alpha-gal can at least eat turkey on Thursday, since the allergy is just to red meats.
Turkeys have probably helped the ticks expand their range, maybe including to Martha’s Vineyard, where they’re a huge problem. Lone Star Ticks are probably the least popular creatures on the Vineyard right now, and that’s saying something given the number of politicians the island attracts. Lots of residents now have the meat allergy, which is why I’m looking to start a vegan restaurant on the island called the Lone Star Café. But I’m now realizing I should be opening a restaurant that serves Wild Turkey, which alpha-gal sufferers can eat – it will serve the dual purpose of feeding the sufferers and reducing a key tick host. So, you know, two birds, one stone. Also, if there was a tick-borne syndrome that made it so you couldn’t digest turkey meat, would the resulting affliction be called the “turkey trots?” Discuss.
Speaking of eating, while turkey does contain tryptophan, long thought to cause the post-meal torpor we all suffer on Thanksgiving, we now know, thanks to studies, that this is a myth. Who could have guessed it was the 5,000 grams of sugar and entire bottle of wine that made you sleepy, not the small amounts of an essential amino acid common to many foods? But seriously, I feel like we should have figured that one out without the help of “studies.”
So when you’re feeling peckish on Thursday and settle in to gobble up all that food, you might want to limit those carbs or you’ll end up feeling like a real butterball, and probably pass out embarrassingly in front of everyone before the end of the Lions game. I know I won’t let that happen – when you pass out is when people steal your awesome restaurant ideas.
